If a friend is considering suicide, get professional help right away. I know I am not the reason he killed himself, but I do know that I am the catalyst for it. I feel like Im not able to grieve properly. FallenAngel January 10, 2021 at 1:39 am Reply. The reason I havent taken my life is because of three close people whom i respect and dont wish to hurt. There are days I wonder whether I am just another weight on the planet. My father jumped to his death in front of horrified onlookers nearly 20 years ago. I dont know how to get out of this sad rut Im in. I ask why and feel guilty as well. I prayed every day and asked God for his guidance and direction to help me go further into life. I looked at his computer afterwards and found nothing out of the ordinary. She had stopped taking her meds and talking to therapists over a year ago, repeatedly said she was broken and couldnt be fixed. Scared to death of doctors. TW: abuse and atypical grief reaction, for those who might need it: My emotionally and psychologically abusive and controlling father died by suicide. Sometimes I tell myself whats the point of even trying getting better? I have been through that box so many times, but on this day i went through some of his study notes. I just moved in to a 2 unit apartment building. So I went to see my own doctor and told him how scared I was ,he said he also could not help. I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. She had depression from a young age, and cut herself to relieve her depression. My boyfriend was a happy go lucky guy. Most days I cant not think about him. You are loved. Everywhere reminds me of him. I spent this last summer listening to Leo's videos, meditating, applying to jobs, and talking my brother down from multiple suicide attempts (he tried 30 different times from May to July. I facilitated and lead my brother to run away from home and kill himself. Only being 3 months the pain is totally unbelievable and the heart break of wondering why or what could of stopped it . I lost weight, hair, my faith, my friends, and my mind. I am beyond devastated , cant really eat and cant barely stand. Then I wonder if thats criminal animal abuse. I only hope that the peace that I know that they have now can be a comfort to you. He was never treated or diagnosed with anything related to mental health disorders. She of course told him she had to ask her parents first and would let him know. The next 8 years was a literal battle in trying to get him help. Sorry for the rant. Ill be forever grateful that I had the most loving and brave big sister for at least 19 years in her human shape. For whatever reason.. that was their destiny as damn terrible as it is. My son passed by suicide . He is free of all the mental anguish that plagued him here on this Planet. But suicide is so unnatural that wrapping your mind around it never happens. Alex Murdaugh' s younger brother took the stand on Monday, tearfully describing how he cleaned the gruesome crime scene the morning after his sister-in-law and nephew were murdered in June 2021 . She could easily brush off her tears and get back in the game. In her new book, Amy Chesler recalls the night brother Jesse plunged a knife into their mother's shoulder, leaving her dead in the kitchen. Sarah February 7, 2021 at 1:33 am Reply. Or we reconnect and I sweep him up and take him to safety in my home. He was my supervisor for only about three months before I got out of the military so I dont know why it hurts this much. Patricia Valdez January 24, 2021 at 9:23 pm Reply. I forgive him and hope that he is or will soon be, free of his suffering. I cry daily of course hiding it from my family. The next several months involved several rounds of ECT, a diagnosis of Bipolar I, transfer to another facility, and a couple more hospitalizations. I really want to keep my word to her shes my whole world. Thank you. Susana November 7, 2018 at 3:56 am Reply, Hi sky I can completely relate to your pain. Online forums are far better places to try and connect with others online as typically every person is there to share, support one another, and connect. I loved him and never loved someone like this before, we had a special relationship and we knew each other since I was 16 and he was 19. I saw the crusted wound from the open casket we had for his funeral the . When I think of how cruel this life is, I am without words. Especially you knew her 11!years. She was a married women, but I learned I would do anything to keep her in my life because we had such a strong connection. I know she will always be the bigger and will continue to hug me. It helped me and I think it will help you. Her life was not perfect but it was not unperfect either. Your life is precious. My roommate did the same thing, left to be with her family. He knew it was going to hurt us but he also knew Id b ok. He took his life in front of both my parents. I look happy and contented on the outside but I still grieve my loss, and I still have irrational general anxiety after all this years. I had no idea he was depressed. They say others have worse things happen to them, is that helpful ? Just ten years after being . She took a piece of my heart with her. I have all these questions that no one will answer. Even in death she still gave everything. I am reading everything I can find right now about suicide, there is a lot of helpful information out there. I heard laughter outside ok the second day, and it felt like disrespect. Talking to his friends at his wake, he was so loved by so many people and left such a great impression on their lives. Absolute heart break, I lost my brother on the 19 of November. If you need more info or my personal experience with grief I can help you .Sent your email or phone. Hi Benjamin.. my husbands brother a kind gentle alcoholic since 16 yrs old shot himself at 50 yrs old. Your story really touched my soul. His family blames me, his friends blame me, even I blame me. He was my saving grace and confidant and someone who never judged me. Or so violent the investigation of the scene from detectives was being treated as homicide. Im not ready to accept that my sweet, respectful, loving, intelligent son would go and do something like this. He married and had two children. For others, family can be a source of distressingconflictandmisunderstandingafter a death. all your stories inspire me, but the guilt and pain wont go away. when I told him it was like listing to someone ripping his heart out. If I only knew he was diagnosed I could maybe have got the guns out of the house? I would do anything to see him again. Frank Schumpert October 18, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply. Very recent. I miss him so much and I dont know what Im supposed to do now. She didnt write a good bye but her journals gave us a peek into her life of pain. but here I sit. we are only 1 yr and 3 months apart so ive spent all my childhood with him. Elton February 12, 2019 at 4:58 am Reply, Im sorry for my bad wrote and poor english..!!! i am failing to move on, and i wonder if ever the wound will heal. My husband I new in the physical forms short time. Then there was a motor vehicle accident that cause chronic pain-the trifecta! So Im speculating I suppose. My son was my daughters only sibling and they were so closeas a mom it makes me so sad as I am very close to my siblings. They said it was Bipolar.. but I think it was other things as well. She couldnt in the end because of her illness. I am getting grief therapy because I dont know how I can handle this pain. I had to seek out support from a website specifically catering to Survivors of such loss, though it wasnt a trained therapist or Dr. This article means a lot to me. Of course I did find him in the bedroom, he shot himself in the head. Some days Im ok and other days the hole is just immensely unbearable. You see even though we might feel that its tough on a particular day since we received the news, we are left behind to keep on living and loving each other and fighting the darkness in this world with the light of that love. I tried everything over the course of our relationship to help him. I also feel relieved for my sister, that she does not have to feel in so much emotional pain, she felt so shit and had lost so much that Im not sure she ever would have felt okay. I pray you and your family can find peace and comfort in your memories with your brother. So he decided to leave. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was the victim of a devastating fire. Gracee September 2, 2019 at 9:14 pm Reply. I had a brother who hung herself few years ago. He had just turned 20. As soon as Se unity got here the ambulance and fire dept were here. Look after yourself, force yourself to eat when you need to even if your not hungry. Very thick bandage wrapped what had to be 500 times around his head. The police came in to inform us that she hanged herself in a homeless unit, her partner found her and they tried to revive her. He felt he had no choice. So I know he had other things going on that probably had a big affect on his mental health. After the ambulance and police left and they drove his body away, I walked to the bus stop to collect our other son from school. Ive been reading articles to help me process things. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. i am damaged goods. Isabelle Siegel February 11, 2021 at 2:54 pm Reply, Gamaliel, I am truly so sorry that youre feeling like this. It all happened one year ago exactly. Michelle March 4, 2021 at 3:46 pm Reply. In many instances, there has been discussion of suicidal thoughts or past suicide attempts. This website was a lifeline to my grieving in a good way. I dont say a lot, just listen. I assume you are dealing with something similar. I could cry so many times, be in bed most of the days, feel guilty, rejected, alone, empty, hopeless, lifeless , worthless , and be miserable but I know it will never bring him back physically alive. If you usto youga or mindfulness try to find this as well. Dear Stacy, I am deeply sorry to hear about your dad. I agree, took his life sounds a little less harsh than killed himself. I knew her well and knew all wed endured throughout our childhood (all the family secrets). Dorinda B Trumbauer February 16, 2019 at 4:36 pm Reply. I have no one in my family or friends who truly understands what Im going through . I owe my whole current life and family to this individual and it has been eating at me that he is no longer here. Or why even bother dreaming of all the things ahead of me if everything looks so grim. If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time day or night, or chat online. I am going to also contact a spiritual church and see if I can get some closure. That broke Lindseys heart and ours too.She just was not able to be independent of us.Back in those days I really thought that I was a good mother. The f yous and I hate yous. A mask covering our smiles, our frowns, our children. He was an alcoholic. Friday, no changes. I have 2 kids. "I guess my brother just killed my mom," she said. I have let everyone who loved him know how he died, so that they can also recognize the tragedy for what it is, and remember and pray for his soul, accordingly. Kay, please know that one someone dies by suicide there is typically a serious mental health issue and there is nothing external to them that causes a decision like suicide. Just wanted to share. Now is the time where despite our differences. Me too. Yes, the loss is immensely unbearable, if not worse. He expressed the wish to be a boy. I lost my closest brother 2 years ago to what was most likely suicide by cop. As a family we havent, and will Never be the same. My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. Same when I remember he will never be anywhere again or do anything again. SOBS is Survivors of bereavement through suicide. You may feel angry with the person, with the world, with God, with yourself. I am so sorry that you didnt receive a meaningful response to your original post. My heart goes out to you, your son and brother. Its hard to watch a loved one go through that, but at the end of the day, all of it has its place in life. The news broke her even more. Nothing seemed wrong, although I remembered wishing I was able to see him one-on-one for our usual authentic talks. I am tired of pushing people away, as that was always his thing, not mine. The feelings of abandonment are very real, if he had died any other way I could have understood that, I could have wrapped my mind around it. he jumped in front of a train. Reading these comments has helped me to see that I am not alone in my pain. Thats how we learn thats how we grow. Theyre going to be the biggest comfort you can have right now. My brother answered. Its overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. No one can understand this struggle and the pain unless it has happened to you. I am in counseling and finding this more bearable. 0:57. Came with a great amount of effort. She was the daughter I never had. My kids are very young and I try to pretend as everything is ok because they are too young to understand. Hopefully your dad will overcome this. He had so many cuts his arms were covered in blood, and he was crying. She didnt know what happened until she ran to him. After a suicide death, as with any other type of death, the bereaved may seek to make sense of what happened. I dont give a shit! She had attempted during our 18 year marriage but the effort was never there. Lila Grace December 19, 2019 at 10:27 pm Reply. I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me. And also anniversary of death in February . As at the time I was self-harming as well, I had understood what was going on with her. It iscommon for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies, when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. If your bf has guilt, regret, or feelings that he could or should have done something, this may be his brains way of dealing with those feelings. when I pulled in the ambulance was wheeling her in. Remember god only takes the best!!! I was 25 at the time I became the biggest liqour abuser I have ever known and its only gotten worst .