A 2021 studyTrusted Source concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health. My bad! The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. Seriously! Hmmm. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. Thanks for your well thought out post. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? If youre praying for them, even in general terms, youre ACTING forgiveness and thats whats important. What a shame! I will never contact my mother again. They always tell you who they are. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. If youre unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then youre probably harboring a grudge. That means an awful lot of retraining. Thank you so much for putting it into words. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. I would definitely encourage you to watch this. This content does not have an English version. Is it ok to remember a person who has caused us terrible harm w anger? I feel right about not replying to him. Sending love and hugs your way. You won't forgive her. Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. He has respected my wishes however I feel like I lost a friendship entirely different convo. He had told me he and his very long time gf had broken up. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. He cant give me what I want, need and deserve as a woman so its futile for me to stick around. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. It beggars belief! No more contact. But I will feel better! And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? DGzCarbon You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. After 14 months NC, including resisting polite invitations and helpful referrals (all phrased as though everything was honky dory between us), I broke NC via text randomly last month due to a clusterfuck practical circumstance. and not actually to feel any better. Well. I wish I didnt have to keep the distance up, and I think if there is forgiveness that ever needed to happen, I do forgive. I left the train feeling blessed to have run ok nto him & thinking that I wish I had known him better back in the day. Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. Ive been having insomnia looking for ways to go back to him. All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. This has been my biggest weakness! My point is Thanks for putting it to me in light of drug addiction. I said thats just what you say about me. This is an amazing light shed on what could become a problem for me. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. not coming out. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. Surely ther. "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will get vengeance for this and key her car. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. They say, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Wtf. But, I wasnt judging them or holding a grudge I just dont really like this group of people and cant see the point in revisiting anything with them at all. I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. But please be careful! Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. The thing is, And what Ive learned I dont want any part of a negative past back in my life. Read about the narcissist smear campaign. Many years ago, I was seeing a guy who lived across the street. B.c I have to admit I am ropable & Im DONE with trying to b the bigger person re someone with the audacity to accuse me of lying abt being physically abused by HER & covertly sexually abused by not one but TWO of her sicko boyfriends as a child! Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger. Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Holding a grudge happens when. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. He had no answer to that so I walked away. It's impossible to ask for forgiveness from a person who hasn't. Id be cutting my nose off to spite my face. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. It helps to train the mind and associate pain with the thought so hopefully you have less thoughts in the future. Dont waste your time with him. *Wear a rubber band and whenever you think of your ex, snap it on your wrist. Just clarifying my thoughts! In the end (8 yrs later), after numerous talks, etc I was left just bitter and resentment. Teachable, I would block his email on Facebook. My point is that we have instincts we must follow whether it is about the guy or about our ability to be within the relationship or both. He gave you the truth: hes incapable of any responsibility or emotional attachment. Theres NOTHING wrong (and in fact everything RIGHT) with pulling away from someone who is repeatedly hurting you without letup (especially after theyve been made aware of it!). If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. I am VERY happy for you. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. Improved self-esteem. I was misguided and blind. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. Hes an ass. The first two differences is the use of satire. ago. Im not sure we can. We get it all here. She would actually get mad at me, my relationship w her was at stake. The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. Vindication? These Are 5 Ways Narcissists Use Projection. Hes done this before. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. Thanks dcd, yes it was my daughter and son seeing how he treated me that finally made me make the final breaktheir dad is not like this man at all so they have never experienced someone like this before and the day my daughter faced my ex AC clown and told him that she wished I would tell him to fk off was when I realised that while I was trying to keep my two lives separate it was impacting on my lovely daughter, who never swears let alone had ever hated somebody (and hate him she did). But, same thing happens, again and again. Sooner or later, your drug dealer comes around again You remember how you felt, and know it did you no good, only harm. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. Something she could have easily done herself. I am an adult now, not a child who depends on her for whatever scraps she felt obligated to dole out. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. I am beyond crushed that he sent just 2 lame text messages after he said he had no time for a relationship. There's nothing wrong with holding grudges : r/unpopularopinion - reddit (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). No mother its you. You need to ask yourself why. I didnt get closure the AC just disappeared after 2 years.Ive run into him at social events (we live in the same town) where hes made a point of coming and talking to me even introduced me to his new girlfriend as a good friend. And I didnt. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. None of these are likely. I no longer feel he is even my father. Holding onto feelings of resentment is a surefire way to tell that youre not over an issue. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend. For your own emotional health at such an early stage of a break up dont do it. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. You do not need the extra burden and pain on your shoulders. But if you hold on to that pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly. :p Do you mean the difference between letting go of sin but not the sinner (as we would a friend who sincerely apologizes) and letting go of both the sin and the sinner (as we would an abuser who shows no remorse)? I like to be a generous, supportive and caring person and this was exploited because I actually never got the care, respect, affection, appreciation and cooperation/teamwork I wanted and worked so hard for in the relationship. Youre mean to not want to go there. Getting my head down and Trying To Do The Right Thing wasnt a lot of fun (not that I always did), but looking back over it it was probably the quickest and cleanest way through. We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. If the grudge is something you find yourself thinking about very often, try using a physical technique to get your mind back on track. I know. Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. I have come a long way since then but I needed to finally put the fantasy in my head to rest once and for all so I texted him to ask if he wanted to catch up. I told her she was already forgiven but that I still was leaving and wouldnt stay as a guest of someone who thinks that them being annoyed means they can slap me. Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. Ive been there. I realized after I posted my comment that, while trying to keep the off-topic meanderings to a minimum, I left out some thoughts that might clarify what I meant. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. The Resentment Cure How To Forgive And Forget And Eliminate The I was told yesterday to be content with teaching the same classes, over and over, and to accept that our campus will cut the one program I enjoy teaching in that is congruent with my values and who I am. Ive never had to forgive anyone as horrible as a child abuser, so Im a forgiveness novice in comparison. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. There is a problem with Stop praying/wishing for the ex to be happy, for the best Blah. Ready If you had a proper relationship and he was basically a good egg i might say go ahead and have a talk. YESSSSSSS!!!! You dont have the reserves necessary to consider other people at this stage and this is understandable given what you are dealing with emotionally. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Not ringing or checking on his son all week is busting my boundries but I wont tell him how awful I think this is, because they wont and dont see anything but themselves. I would not have been in contact with her this time, except that she was getting a hip replacement and my sister begged me to go to the hospital so she wouldnt have to be with mother alone.